I don't have a place I could call home anymore. At my current place I feel anxious all the time and I really can't get into drawing when someone's around (hence the poll I made a while ago, I was wondering if I'm some kind of freak or if it's a common thing) and at my parents' place... I have to be super quiet and turn the lights off at 7 pm (because of reasons). Even clicking of the mouse is too loud. It's a one room apartment......... so I really don't have much time if we go out for the day, come back and soon after dinner the day's over. We have to go out because it would be weird if we went abroad and didn't see the city. And I love it! But as the time goes on, throughout the last few years I'm thinking more and more that I just... don't like drawing anymore. It's especially hard because it's always been my favourite thing to do, the ultimate way of spending time, expressing myself, fighting my own demons and coping with emotions. It was just me and the pencil, us against the world, and it worked! Now my thoughts are my own doom - "it's ugly, I don't want people to see my failed sketches" and I can't draw in public. "It's pretentious", and I gave up the coolness and badassery because I constantly feel it's too silly. "Nobody would like this", and I forget why I draw in the first place... that I've always been drawing because I wanted to. I can only draw good when I'm really feeling it, when I'm not thinking about anything else, I can spend hours trying to get the drawing to look as much as I imagined it as possible. It's when I draw good. When someone else wants me draw or I'm distracted by others, it's... whatever I think it should
be, instead of what I want
it to be.
I wish I could explain it better... I just feel like I'm losing my imagination. I'm trying too hard to be logical and do the right thing just because it should be done and not because I want to. Watching movies, especially animation, seems to help a little but I have a hard time getting to watch anything on my own, and if I watch with someone else then I can't fully experience it, like... emotionally? Jesus I am such a wreck.......
Does any of you have any tips for... for this? Whatever it is? Something that boosts your imagination, productivity, confidence? something to fight anxiousness?